Hey Nance
I am married with children and I have a husband who is pretty much a “man of the house” kind of guy. One thing that really bothers me is that he just doesn’t do what he doesn’t feel like doing. I recently had a mother’s day and it was the classic messy kitchen, my husband didn’t feel well so he was lying down and my kids were fighting. Then I got really flustered and angry and threw a fit on him. He did what he usually does, he just rolls into his silence, and then helps some, but it’s not like we are getting anywhere on this. He isn’t lazy and I know he cares about me, but I don’t know what to do.

Good to be with you,
We all choose our mates and friends for characteristics that consciously and subconsciously balance us; so my answer may help with not only a spouse but other family and friends. Probably at the beginning of your relationship you were content enough with where and what your husband could give and how he gave it (at least enough to say “I do.”) yet, growth and change is a critical part of a satisfying life. As life moves forward, you both grow and you are now seeing that there are ways in which he has not changed to meet what you need in your developing relationship. And we all set up our patterns of how to get what we need from others and then it takes energy to change those patterns when the time comes. So far this is a description of what everyone in every relationship has to go through.

So, your pattern may be that you are pushed over the edge, you sound a desperate cry of “this is driving me crazy” then your husband will be there to tend to the kids or clean up a mess. (You can substitute friend, mother or whoever it is that you need to work with to change your patterns of communication.) But getting to a point of desperation in order to get help is causing frustration and isn’t a very healthy way to get what you need. I suggest that having conversations before the actual crisis where emotions get in the way could allow for a breakthrough for healthier communication. All parties involved can mutually agree upon tools to use in order to enhance communication, growth and overall relationship harmony. Examples of tools are: 1) Phrases to use together that mean “I need help now;” 2) Agreed upon “break” strategies for during a crisis (including specific time length of the breaks to allow cool-down before coming back together); and 3) Regularly scheduled ( and maintained) times for discussions that are not during crisis, to continue the development.

For yourself, you could begin to pay attention to the areas where you are pushed past a healthy level of need and have a discussion about tools to use before the crisis occurs. For example, “I need help for 15 minutes” could be the agreed upon statement that tells each other, “I am stressed and do not want to yell.” You might be surprised at how well this works for both of you. It may be that you see it coming the day before and give a warning that you will need help. If it doesn’t work the first time, use the regular discussion time to talk about it, because habits take time to change. Don’t be discouraged if the other person, knowingly and unknowingly, uses tactics to resist this change and not even realize what they are doing. It could be some type of poking fun at you in a place that is sensitive that they may or may not even realize is hurtful. Be prepared to call them on it in a firm but kind word that shows this will not be tolerated. It doesn’t mean that they won’t work with you; they are just resisting what needed to happen to continue developing the relationship. They may have needs that they are not expressing as well and may find that this strategy could work for them too.

With time and patience, they may even appreciate the opportunity to grow that you are giving them. Say what you need, have tools developed together, have regularly scheduled discussion times and repeat it as often as needed with as much kindness and patience as you can. Here’s to your growing!!!!