Hey Nance,
I am someone who does not keep things hidden. I get issues and problems out on the table, work on them and then they are gone. My issue is with my blood family as opposed to my family of choice. In my family of origin they all sneak around and don’t face issues and have unspoken agendas and motives. When I try to get things on the table they all go totally on the defense and we can’t get anything done. I have learned not to expect much from them but even when trying to do the simplest things we can’t get through it without me causing a lot of stress and irritation. I can’t seem to stay out of their way. Any thoughts or suggestions?

Good to be with you,
It is a healthy start that you realize, your family of choice is the one where you have chosen healthy people for you to be around. And that you also have become more selective about what to bring to your family of origin. One of the things that we often have within our families of choice are things that we were not able to get from our families of origins. I suggest that before you get together with your family of origin that you intentionally slow yourself down, plan to pause before responding in conversation with them, but hold to your ideals. This can allow you to be more decisive with your words, choices of conversations and deciding “what do I REALLY NEED here?”

Also, as you look at what you do choose to bring up or challenge your family of origin with, try to notice why? Are you going to them in order to resolve unmet needs and old patterns that you continue to play out in hopes of some resolution? These old patterns that we all continue to replay are things that we can slowly look at and change as they come up. For example when someone refuses to talk to you about something, remember that you have what you need to work out the issues. If someone is being totally stubborn about wanting something, you need to decide if you really need to confront them about this or are you correcting them because of an old unmet need. Both your families are places where growth should take place, just to use an old saying, “choose your battles wisely.” Once you have thought through these things make sure you have a clear plan. If there is an important issue that has to be discussed and you are feeling helpless then it can be very helpful to have a professional to assist with harmonious communication. The tools that you gain with your hard work will be ones that you will be grateful to have with all of your interactions in life.

Finally, it is important to set your boundaries with those who are not willing to work on things with you so that the occurrences of these stressful situations are lessened and softened and you start having more good times than difficult ones.