Part I: How the awareness of what you have, can impact you.

Hey Nance,
I am exhausted from supporting my mother. This is her second marriage and I am bending over backwards to help her transition into this part of her life. I have a very good relationship with her and feel very loved by her, but we have spent years now and she still needs to talk all the time about family things, like “how to fit in” and “ how to do the right thing” for these family members and it is draining for both of us. I’m unsettled by my feelings about this since I want to be supportive but I feel that we are stuck. Any ideas?

Good to be with you,
What a kind and insightful person you are to be so attentive to your friendships and to yourself. The deep human need for companionship is very important and often we will unconsciously search for and expect a specific kind of love or response in a relationship, which sounds like what your mom is doing. When we create these expectations and place them on someone then we are likely to be let down by the relationship. We have these subconscious expectations and often don’t even realize it. For example, we subconsciously think, “A friend who I go to dinner with and confide in should appreciate me and I should be able to trust them.” Our assigned expectation does not make it true, yet we are hurt or angry when they let us down.

Love is all around us and our job is to NOT decide where the love is going to come from, but to graciously and whole heartedly receive the love when it is presented. We can spend lots of energy trying to get the love that we seek from a place that cannot give it to us. Simultaneously, we may be receiving what we need from another source and because of our inattentiveness we are not absorbing it. That is, expectations can prevent us from seeing how our needs are being met and what we are receiving. I suggest using the 3A’s: Awareness, Attentiveness and Appreciativeness of …. the Love that is flowing in our lives.

If we can take the time to look at our lives and to see where the love is entering our lives moment by moment, then this is half the battle. This could include a specific “thankful time” on a daily basis. Take a few minutes to recap all you have to be grateful for each day; maybe you could have a top 10 list. Many days we don’t feel very thankful, but with practice you will find small and large things where there was lots of love extended to you and many things to be grateful for even in the face of hardship.

If we are to be alert and present to give everything we can to every situation, then we need to free ourselves to be there. I hope that these tools can help.