Part II: Your past comes with you. & How old tapes drive us.

Hey Nance,
I am exhausted from supporting my mother. This is her second marriage and I am bending over backwards to help her transition into this part of her life. I have a very good relationship with her and feel very loved by her, but we have spent years now and she still needs to talk all the time about family things, like “how to fit in” and “ how to do the right thing” for these family members and it is draining for both of us. I’m unsettled by my feelings about this since I want to be supportive but I feel that we are stuck. Any ideas?

Good to be with you again,
In my previous answer labeled Part I, I made some suggestions about becoming more aware of what you are getting and what she can give. I have some additional thoughts on what you might do that might help your relationship with your Mom. It is always important to set some boundaries. For example you can decide on time limits for certain topics of conversation. Look closely at what drains you and what fills you and balance what you give in each area. This can go a long way toward creating a more fulfilling relationship with her.

We all need to attend to and understand what I will call the “emotional child” in us. So, ‘what does that mean?’ you might ask. The emotional child remembers feelings of pain and helplessness that may not exist anymore and instinctively applies these feelings to situations (sometimes we call these old tapes). If you can become aware of this when it is happening then you can replace automatic feelings of a helpless child with the empowerment of an adult. For example you might feel resentment, hurt over inattentiveness from others, and lack of control that a child may be subjected to. But, now as an adult you have the resources, freedom and ability to empower yourself. All of us struggle with these transitions during our lives. We notice an old tape playing out in our thoughts and behaviors, we become aware of it, then we consciously throw out the tape and make a new DVD. We have the ability and resources as an adult to be happy and whole. While you still may want a relationship to grow by asking for more attentiveness from another, it doesn’t need to cause pain or a sense of helplessness, if this individual is not able to grow with you.

Here’s an example. My mother is a nurse and I always relied upon her for medical needs my whole young life. When my 3 month old child was hospitalized, I called her to come help us and she said that she would be a few days. Four days later she showed up and I was angry at her and this added to her stress and to mine. As I processed this situation I realized that I was falling back on that old tape (emotional child) that I needed her help for all things medical. I realized that I was an adult, not a helpless child, and that I had navigated the situation well with the resources that I had. My anger wasn’t needed and I did not want to spend that energy being angry with her. Once I realized this, I no longer needed to be angry at something my mother could not give me. I wrote a top 10 list of all the wonderfully helpful things that occurred while we were in the hospital, and actually ended up filling 2 pages of a notebook. Once I got started writing I couldn’t stop, because the love had been flowing from all directions.

If we are to be alert and present to give everything we can to every situation, then we need to free ourselves to be there. I hope that these tools can help.