By Susan Harkema:

Solving our family issues starts with understanding, “Where are we anyhow?!”

Take, for instance, my situation. My 83-year old father moved in with my husband and me about a year ago after a serious stroke. And, although I love my father and was well aware of his quirks and challenging personality, I was not prepared for the degree of change that three adults living together would require.  After a few weeks, the energy in the house was tense and things were strained.

That’s why I was thrilled to sit down with Nancy Wood, LSW, BSN, adult relationship expert, to get her perspective on where to start when trying to make sense out of challenging adult relationships.

Nancy revealed that it’s really helpful to take a step back and get a full view of your adult relationships. We each belong to not just one family, but to three family types – plus a group that includes friends, co-workers and acquaintances.


She pulled out a tool that she evolved into a worksheet she calls a Relational Map. The map is a simple template with powerful implications. You can visually arrange your adult social relationships by level of depth and intimacy.

Here’s how it works:

1. Write your name in the middle of the three rings
2. Then, place the names of people you are closest to from your four social groups, including:

• Family of origin – Family you were raised in.
• Immediate family – Family you currently live with or support actively and regularly.
• Family of choice – Family that you interact with for intimate emotional support (may or may not be biologically related).
• Friends and social contacts – Superficial emotional support and casual contact.

3. As you think of people in these four groups, you’ll want to decide where they go on the map and write their names down.
4. Are they the closest to you emotionally? They may go in the ring closest to you or in the rings further out from your center, indicating that you are not as emotionally close with them.

As you think of names, you’ll begin to see patterns emerge. You may be surprised to see some names are closer to you and some names are further away. While some names didn’t even make the map!

Although I came to Nancy for guidance and insight into my relationship with my elderly father living with us, I made some amazing discoveries that have really improved my relationships:

1. The exercise of writing down names calls into question my judgments about my relationship with those people and what, if anything, I want to do about them.
2. I discovered that, not surprisingly, I am closer to some friends than my own family?
3. However, I was surprised to reveal that I am closer to the adult child of a peer family member than the peer I knew since birth.
4. I was, also, surprised that some people that I “should” be closer with didn’t even make it onto the map.

Not only did the map expose some tough truths about which relationships are not as intimate as I expected, or assumed “should” be, but it was exciting to realize that not all relationships are equal and there are reasons why I am closer to some people than others.

What I took away from my visit with Nancy were two “Aha!” moments.

First, that it’s OK if some relationships don’t get as much nurturing as others. The map helped me become clear about what I want that relationship to be about and how I can maintain it better.

Second, that there were relationships that I really WANT to have in the inner ring. So the map helped me uncover that desire and make a plan for what I was going to do to make those relationships better.

The Relational Map is a wonderful tool to help give you perspective as well as provide insights so that you can proactive evolve and transform your adult relationships.

Looking to go in-depth? There are two options.
1. For caring professionals our workshop “Transforming adult-to-adult relationships” highlights the best of many therapeutic modalities combined with a focus on practical and sustainable change (6 CEUs).
2. For individuals with or without other family members come to our 2 day, 8 hour workshop to learn more about productively transforming your adult-to-adult relationships.

Hey Nance,
I am someone who does not keep things hidden. I get issues and problems out on the table, work on them and then they are gone. My issue is with my blood family as opposed to my family of choice. In my family of origin they all sneak around and don’t face issues and have unspoken agendas and motives. When I try to get things on the table they all go totally on the defense and we can’t get anything done. I have learned not to expect much from them but even when trying to do the simplest things we can’t get through it without me causing a lot of stress and irritation. I can’t seem to stay out of their way. Any thoughts or suggestions?

Good to be with you,
It is a healthy start that you realize, your family of choice is the one where you have chosen healthy people for you to be around. And that you also have become more selective about what to bring to your family of origin. One of the things that we often have within our families of choice are things that we were not able to get from our families of origins. I suggest that before you get together with your family of origin that you intentionally slow yourself down, plan to pause before responding in conversation with them, but hold to your ideals. This can allow you to be more decisive with your words, choices of conversations and deciding “what do I REALLY NEED here?”

Also, as you look at what you do choose to bring up or challenge your family of origin with, try to notice why? Are you going to them in order to resolve unmet needs and old patterns that you continue to play out in hopes of some resolution? These old patterns that we all continue to replay are things that we can slowly look at and change as they come up. For example when someone refuses to talk to you about something, remember that you have what you need to work out the issues. If someone is being totally stubborn about wanting something, you need to decide if you really need to confront them about this or are you correcting them because of an old unmet need. Both your families are places where growth should take place, just to use an old saying, “choose your battles wisely.” Once you have thought through these things make sure you have a clear plan. If there is an important issue that has to be discussed and you are feeling helpless then it can be very helpful to have a professional to assist with harmonious communication. The tools that you gain with your hard work will be ones that you will be grateful to have with all of your interactions in life.

Finally, it is important to set your boundaries with those who are not willing to work on things with you so that the occurrences of these stressful situations are lessened and softened and you start having more good times than difficult ones.

Part II: Your past comes with you. & How old tapes drive us.

Hey Nance,
I am exhausted from supporting my mother. This is her second marriage and I am bending over backwards to help her transition into this part of her life. I have a very good relationship with her and feel very loved by her, but we have spent years now and she still needs to talk all the time about family things, like “how to fit in” and “ how to do the right thing” for these family members and it is draining for both of us. I’m unsettled by my feelings about this since I want to be supportive but I feel that we are stuck. Any ideas?

Good to be with you again,
In my previous answer labeled Part I, I made some suggestions about becoming more aware of what you are getting and what she can give. I have some additional thoughts on what you might do that might help your relationship with your Mom. It is always important to set some boundaries. For example you can decide on time limits for certain topics of conversation. Look closely at what drains you and what fills you and balance what you give in each area. This can go a long way toward creating a more fulfilling relationship with her.

We all need to attend to and understand what I will call the “emotional child” in us. So, ‘what does that mean?’ you might ask. The emotional child remembers feelings of pain and helplessness that may not exist anymore and instinctively applies these feelings to situations (sometimes we call these old tapes). If you can become aware of this when it is happening then you can replace automatic feelings of a helpless child with the empowerment of an adult. For example you might feel resentment, hurt over inattentiveness from others, and lack of control that a child may be subjected to. But, now as an adult you have the resources, freedom and ability to empower yourself. All of us struggle with these transitions during our lives. We notice an old tape playing out in our thoughts and behaviors, we become aware of it, then we consciously throw out the tape and make a new DVD. We have the ability and resources as an adult to be happy and whole. While you still may want a relationship to grow by asking for more attentiveness from another, it doesn’t need to cause pain or a sense of helplessness, if this individual is not able to grow with you.

Here’s an example. My mother is a nurse and I always relied upon her for medical needs my whole young life. When my 3 month old child was hospitalized, I called her to come help us and she said that she would be a few days. Four days later she showed up and I was angry at her and this added to her stress and to mine. As I processed this situation I realized that I was falling back on that old tape (emotional child) that I needed her help for all things medical. I realized that I was an adult, not a helpless child, and that I had navigated the situation well with the resources that I had. My anger wasn’t needed and I did not want to spend that energy being angry with her. Once I realized this, I no longer needed to be angry at something my mother could not give me. I wrote a top 10 list of all the wonderfully helpful things that occurred while we were in the hospital, and actually ended up filling 2 pages of a notebook. Once I got started writing I couldn’t stop, because the love had been flowing from all directions.

If we are to be alert and present to give everything we can to every situation, then we need to free ourselves to be there. I hope that these tools can help.

Part I: How the awareness of what you have, can impact you.

Hey Nance,
I am exhausted from supporting my mother. This is her second marriage and I am bending over backwards to help her transition into this part of her life. I have a very good relationship with her and feel very loved by her, but we have spent years now and she still needs to talk all the time about family things, like “how to fit in” and “ how to do the right thing” for these family members and it is draining for both of us. I’m unsettled by my feelings about this since I want to be supportive but I feel that we are stuck. Any ideas?

Good to be with you,
What a kind and insightful person you are to be so attentive to your friendships and to yourself. The deep human need for companionship is very important and often we will unconsciously search for and expect a specific kind of love or response in a relationship, which sounds like what your mom is doing. When we create these expectations and place them on someone then we are likely to be let down by the relationship. We have these subconscious expectations and often don’t even realize it. For example, we subconsciously think, “A friend who I go to dinner with and confide in should appreciate me and I should be able to trust them.” Our assigned expectation does not make it true, yet we are hurt or angry when they let us down.

Love is all around us and our job is to NOT decide where the love is going to come from, but to graciously and whole heartedly receive the love when it is presented. We can spend lots of energy trying to get the love that we seek from a place that cannot give it to us. Simultaneously, we may be receiving what we need from another source and because of our inattentiveness we are not absorbing it. That is, expectations can prevent us from seeing how our needs are being met and what we are receiving. I suggest using the 3A’s: Awareness, Attentiveness and Appreciativeness of …. the Love that is flowing in our lives.

If we can take the time to look at our lives and to see where the love is entering our lives moment by moment, then this is half the battle. This could include a specific “thankful time” on a daily basis. Take a few minutes to recap all you have to be grateful for each day; maybe you could have a top 10 list. Many days we don’t feel very thankful, but with practice you will find small and large things where there was lots of love extended to you and many things to be grateful for even in the face of hardship.

If we are to be alert and present to give everything we can to every situation, then we need to free ourselves to be there. I hope that these tools can help.

Hey Nance
I am married with children and I have a husband who is pretty much a “man of the house” kind of guy. One thing that really bothers me is that he just doesn’t do what he doesn’t feel like doing. I recently had a mother’s day and it was the classic messy kitchen, my husband didn’t feel well so he was lying down and my kids were fighting. Then I got really flustered and angry and threw a fit on him. He did what he usually does, he just rolls into his silence, and then helps some, but it’s not like we are getting anywhere on this. He isn’t lazy and I know he cares about me, but I don’t know what to do.

Good to be with you,
We all choose our mates and friends for characteristics that consciously and subconsciously balance us; so my answer may help with not only a spouse but other family and friends. Probably at the beginning of your relationship you were content enough with where and what your husband could give and how he gave it (at least enough to say “I do.”) yet, growth and change is a critical part of a satisfying life. As life moves forward, you both grow and you are now seeing that there are ways in which he has not changed to meet what you need in your developing relationship. And we all set up our patterns of how to get what we need from others and then it takes energy to change those patterns when the time comes. So far this is a description of what everyone in every relationship has to go through.

So, your pattern may be that you are pushed over the edge, you sound a desperate cry of “this is driving me crazy” then your husband will be there to tend to the kids or clean up a mess. (You can substitute friend, mother or whoever it is that you need to work with to change your patterns of communication.) But getting to a point of desperation in order to get help is causing frustration and isn’t a very healthy way to get what you need. I suggest that having conversations before the actual crisis where emotions get in the way could allow for a breakthrough for healthier communication. All parties involved can mutually agree upon tools to use in order to enhance communication, growth and overall relationship harmony. Examples of tools are: 1) Phrases to use together that mean “I need help now;” 2) Agreed upon “break” strategies for during a crisis (including specific time length of the breaks to allow cool-down before coming back together); and 3) Regularly scheduled ( and maintained) times for discussions that are not during crisis, to continue the development.

For yourself, you could begin to pay attention to the areas where you are pushed past a healthy level of need and have a discussion about tools to use before the crisis occurs. For example, “I need help for 15 minutes” could be the agreed upon statement that tells each other, “I am stressed and do not want to yell.” You might be surprised at how well this works for both of you. It may be that you see it coming the day before and give a warning that you will need help. If it doesn’t work the first time, use the regular discussion time to talk about it, because habits take time to change. Don’t be discouraged if the other person, knowingly and unknowingly, uses tactics to resist this change and not even realize what they are doing. It could be some type of poking fun at you in a place that is sensitive that they may or may not even realize is hurtful. Be prepared to call them on it in a firm but kind word that shows this will not be tolerated. It doesn’t mean that they won’t work with you; they are just resisting what needed to happen to continue developing the relationship. They may have needs that they are not expressing as well and may find that this strategy could work for them too.

With time and patience, they may even appreciate the opportunity to grow that you are giving them. Say what you need, have tools developed together, have regularly scheduled discussion times and repeat it as often as needed with as much kindness and patience as you can. Here’s to your growing!!!!